The Creation of Time: Millennial Edition

There never seems to be enough time in the day. But as one of the greatest coffee mug sayings in the world goes: “You have the same amount of hours in the day as Beyoncé.” I come across a picture of this mug on Pinterest, lazily scrolling through the endless feed on a Wednesday evening, and a thought comes to mind. What separates me from Beyoncé? Besides the obvious: a killer body, eyes that seem to peer into my very soul, and some kickass dance skills.
I come to the conclusion that Beyoncé most likely does not waste time scrolling through Pinterest on a Wednesday night during re-runs of Keeping Up With the Kardashians, the woeful wails of Kim’s self-absorbed ranting filling in as background noise. With that realization, I pick up the remote and navigate to the “Series Priority” menu on my DVR. In that moment, I decide to eliminate all time-wasting activities. But as quickly as it comes, my resolution begins to wane.
American Idol. I stopped watching the show ages ago, but this is the last season ever. Surely, an exception can be made in this instance? Okay, I’ll keep that one. Moving on. The Magicians. Well, that must be okay, as it’s based on one of my favorite book series. I have to keep that one. Next.
And so on.
Fifty-five series recordings are set. And suddenly the task seems impossible.
But something I’ve lacked greatly up until this point is discipline and will power. I fight the urge to set down the remote. I don’t talk myself out of it. I stand firm, clicking down the list one by one and selecting “Cancel.” It’s a daunting task, one that only gets harder as the options slim down. The final program, a surprisingly difficult one to say goodbye to, is Grandfathered. What can I say? John Stamos had me at Greek yogurt.
And just like that, I succeed in creating time. Without calling upon God to create an eighth day, or the dudes that invented the calendar or the sundial (essentially creating the concept of time itself). Without quitting my day job and freeing up those precious eight hours a day. Rather, simply by cutting out the biggest time-waster in my life: television. And now I have all the time I need. No rip in the space time continuum necessary.

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